I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
