Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
