to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
