I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
