At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
