Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Randomize
