This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
