Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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