I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize