hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
