Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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