I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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