just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
