Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
