Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
