dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
