if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
