Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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