is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
