in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
should my penis look like a turkey
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In other news, I just burned my penis
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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