This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
