Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
