Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
