dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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