let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Randomize
