whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
