yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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