I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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