I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize