Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
