apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
