She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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