i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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