Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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