She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
