awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
