Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize