I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
