I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
