i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.