my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
FUCK WHALES
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
