It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
porn star boner night. come get it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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