please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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