She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
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I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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