Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
