The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dignity is for republicans.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
