I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
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Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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