i wish starbucks made bloody marys
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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