im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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