So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world