Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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