I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
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It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks