I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
