did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
