I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you traded sex for a burrito?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Randomize
