is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
