Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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