I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
