Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
