Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
