just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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