just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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